Last night (she said…) was some night.  

The outpouring of love and support from friends both new and old has been unreal.  I mean, for crying out loud:  my personal trainer sent me an IM to see how I was doing.  I can’t express how grateful I am for all of you:  for those who came out and drank with me and those that knew it was best to leave me be; for those who bought me coffee to help sober me up and those whose sage advice did just that;  and for those who just said “we’re here”, through both their words and their silence.

Thank you - I love you all very, very much.

But what good is a drunken stupor unless you learn something from it?  Sometimes, you learn that it’s not necessary to drink an entire bottle of Southern Comfort (because it’s not).  And sometimes, you learn that even though it sounds like a fantastic idea, sending that email (or making that phone call) is really about the worst thing you could do.

And sometimes, the lessons come later like an inverse hangover.

Are you ready for it?

I am weak.

I couldn’t deal with seeing my Little Miss cry like that.  It’s as simple as that.  Maybe it’s because I see her Mom’s disappointment eyes when I let her down.  Or her Mom’s rare tenderness when she holds me tight and won’t let go.  Or maybe it’s just because I’m her Daddy and I’d rather lose the world than see my baby girl cry one more time.

Regardless, the fact is that I was weak.  Rather than sit with the pain I chose anesthesia, and that’s bullshit.  A father doesn’t run, and a father doesn’t shrink from a fight.

When my kids look at me, they don’t see a weak man that would rather drown his sorrows than face them.  They see Superman.  They see someone that can do anything.  

“Daddy, can you fix this toy?”

“Daddy, do you know how to spell hippopotamus?”

“Daddy, what’s 1,000,000 plus 1,000,000?”

They see the very truth of me.

And I missed that mark last night.  Waaaaay missed it.  I’ve been missing it for a while and it took last night for me to see how far I’d strayed.  See, because here’s more truth:  I used to be a shitty father.  When I realized I wouldn’t have them in the house for much longer, I cleaned up my act.  My divorce has made me a better father, but the amazing thing is that my kids don’t see me any different.  I tarnished their vision last night, even if they weren’t there to see it.

On the shittiest of days, I may not have the strength to turn down the drink on my own.  But for my kids?  I can do it.  No sweat.

I’m so sorry for all of this, baby girl. A good friend gave me a talking to this weekend and she said I need to understand that I can’t control certain things and that some of what’s going on isn’t my fault. And she’s right.

But that’s little consolation when you come running out of your Mom’s place with tears in your eyes. Or when you beg me to stay with you and I’m forced to say “I can’t.”.

And I’m sorry that I’m getting painfully drunk right now rather than facing the pain and dealing with it. But I can’t deal with it right now: I barely held it together when I was with you. So right now, as I write this to your future, I’m well on my way to drunk.

And boys, I’m so proud of you for how you try to make your little sister feel better. It helps me in ways that you can’t fathom.  Maybe someday you’ll have kids of your own and you’ll know what it’s like to be a proud father:  until then, just believe me when I say there’s NOTHING better than seeing your kids do what is good and right.

Now it’s late and I’m pretty sobered up.  I understand that I’m not really writing this for you guys:  I’m writing it for me.  

And I see that I need to be stronger for myself, not just for you guys.  And I hope that day comes soon.  Maybe it starts today:  hell,  I don’t know.  There’s really one two things I know:

1. I love you guys with all my heart and I will always and forever do anything for you.  I will be there for you no matter what.  If your heart is broken or your world is turned upside-down, I’ll be there.  I may not be able to fix it, but I’ll try.  And if I can’t, know that I will walk with you through it.
2. The New York Yankees are the greatest baseball team in the history of baseball.  This is something that your Mom may not express strongly enough, but it’s something that you need to know.

You know how in the future, every single piece of technology is connected to each other?  Like when your car talks to your refrigerator and reminds you to pick up milk on the way home, but to only get the cheap watered-down milk because it also talked to the bank and found out that you are too poor to buy the good stuff…

CLEAR isn’t like that.

For those not in the “know”, CLEAR internet is mobile, wireless internet access.  Basically, you plug your computer into one of their devices and BOOM!  Internet wherever you want.  Cars talking to fridges, etc.

I’ve been using it for a couple of weeks now.  I grabbed the Pick 2 bundle: home modem and USB dongle for $55/mo with a 2 year contract, or month-to-month if you pay for the hardware up front.  I went month-to-month:  I think the hardware was something like $130.  Unlimited bandwidth (no caps) and speeds advertised as 3-12 Mbit down/1-3 Mbit up.

I threw the home modem up at the office to share with my coworkers (who, despite rumors to the contrary, do NOT spend all day downloading provocative photos of giraffes) and I’ve been using the USB dongle in my madcap adventures around Austin.  And by “madcap adventures”, I mean trying to get work done at coffee shops who advertise wifi but, in fact, provide nigh-fi (*cough* BENNU*cough*).

I know what you’re thinking:

Mando, you’re a smart, handsome fella.  You know how these too-good-to-be-true things work, buddy.  There’s always some catch.  You’re too smart for this!  What’s going on?  Do you need a drink or something?  Maybe a hug?  Whatever you need, man:  I got your back.

First off, thanks for the compliments!  I’ve been working out, you know, and it’s good to see the hard work paying off.  Secondly, yeah, there’s a little bit of a catch: more like a catch-let.

The speeds aren’t as high as advertised.  I routinely see ~1-2 Mbit down/.5-.9 Mbit up, with ping times in the high 100s.  Don’t get me wrong:  it’s plenty fast and responsive, but it’s not what I’m technically paying for.

Also, we had a 30 min. outage earlier today right after lunch, which blew.  It’s been so long since my work internet connection went out that I kinda freaked.  I called the CLEAR reseller, and his response was “Well, if it’s still out in an hour, call me back and I’ll log a support ticket”.  Booooooooo.  Thankfully, the issue resolved itself.

Here’s what CLEAR reminds me of:  buying cell phone service back in the mid 90s.  Remember what that was like?  Sure, you could go to the main provider’s store and wait in line for HOURS, or you could go to an “authorized reseller”, which was usually setup in the back of a corner store and staffed by a dude who was also selling cable descramblers and modded XBoxes?

That’s kinda how CLEAR is right now.  And the service that Cingular and those guys used to provide is eerily similar to CLEAR’s service.

But, it’s wicked sweet to be able to crack open the laptop wherever I am and get some work done.  And it’s pretty cheap - in fact, it’s only about $10/mo more than my home internet access, so I’m essentially getting the USB done for $10/mo.  Which is hella-nice.

So I’m keeping it for now.  I’m not convinced that their network is going to scale well, and their nation-wide coverage BLOWS.  Fortunately, I rarely leave Austin so the coverage isn’t really an issue.  I’m much more concerned about their network, so I’d definitely recommend buying the hardware and going month-to-month.  Long term contracts are for suckers in this game, in my opinion.

And yes - a hug would be GREAT.